...and sometimes a medical drama

*sigh* **heavy sigh**
I sigh because my alternatives are limited...I can drink, be angry and punch something, take pain killers or scream in fury. Here is the back story...I have been dealing with a medical issue for years. Yes you heard right, YEEEEAAARRRSS. I have been told that my horrifying pain in my pelvis is due to endometriosis. Not by one doctor, not by two, but by three. Count them, three doctors that have collectively gone to school longer than I have been alive. I think. I could be wrong.
The first doctor I went to about my pain initially told me that "women get these things around the time of their period because it causes water retention. Water is retained on the brain which causes women to have pains in their body and changes their ability to think clearly." Yup, Mr MD told that. A short few minutes later I nearly kicked him in the head when he tried to perform what should be a routine pelvic exam. You see, good doctor apparently didn't take the fact that I told him that my pain was excruciating. So good doctor nearly got a lovely size 8 upside his pumpkin ass head.
So after Pumpkin head gets done poking and prodding in my nether regions, he informs me that I "either have cancer or endometriosis." Hmmm, ok. So he sends me for tests and off to a "specialist". I use the word specialist loosely. Dumb fucking skank that obviously failed any social classes and I am sure is low doctor in the graduating class. So Dr. Number 2 decided that I do indeed have endometriosis and it is on my kidneys and bladder and that the path of treatment will be hormonal. I have already told Doctor #2 that hormones are not my friend, but she advises me that she knows best. Doh, ok. She gives me Lupron. Lupron is a medication that is shot in my ass with the consistency of corn syrup. Well what Lupron does is throw me into medicinal menopause. At 35 I was in menopause. Well I get this big pamphlet with all the if, ands or but and all of the bodily functions I will either miss or have to excess. I am due to have excess body hair, but not on my head..on my face, back and chest..goody I'll look like Sasquatch. I will experience hot flashes, I will either have constipation or diaherrea, I will gain weight and be dizzy and not be able to sleep. Sounds good so far. Surely Dr. #2 will monitor things for me. Errrr no.
Four months into the treatment I am not feeling all that much better, in fact I have gained weight, I have become a complete raving lunatic (by the way I was planning my wedding as well!) my pain had barely subsided and I had yet to see my doctor again when I went in for my shots. Surely a doctor should see their patient after throwing them into a complete body altering chasm. Right??? Apparently that is far too much to ask. So I flip out and call the doctors office and tell them where they can shove the Lupron until I see the doctor. Blah blah blah....she tells me that I am being overemotional. HELLO?!?!? Hey bitch have you just had all of your female hormones pulled out of your body instantly? Have you had a bowel movement this week? Do your bras cover most of your breasts? Do you have an amusement park ride in your head spinning uncontrollably? Do you have to check your chest for new hair growth, just in case? (that one I never got thank god) She asks me how I feel the treatment is going. How the hell should I know? I don't know if I am supposed to feel this or that. I don't know if it is supposed to be pain free days or if I am supposed to have an antler growing out of my eyebrow. There is only so much that the drug company's rhetoric that I can read!!! Honey, if you want me to design your bathroom I am your girl, you see that is what I went to school for.
I finish the treatment, what the hell. But the pain is still there. Oh the pain...is like a searing hot piece of reebar that is poking inside of me and pushing out of my insides. You know that scene in Alien where the baby pops out of her stomach. Same thing, but the baby stays inside pushing a flaming hot poker out.
Well then I move to a new town and think hmmmm new doctors. Woohoo, I will get this finally taken care of. Go to Doctor Delightful. She seems caring and asks all the right questions and sends me for tests and xrays and scans and blood work. Aha...I have found my savior. All the test come back saying that I have, guess what...endometriosis. According to her I have "hundreds of cysts covering the front and back of my uterus and on my ovaries. There is free flowing fluid in my abdomen". And she merrily sends me off to another "specialist" and tells me that I will be scheduled for laproscopy. It is the best thing to alleviate my pain.
So wait the obligatory month that is obviously written somewhere that says you may not see any doctor earlier than 30 days from the date the appointment is made. Angels sing and I have a spring in my step. The day is finally here. I am going to the doctor to get the surgery scheduled and bless allah it will be all over. I am happy dancing even through the ridiculous weigh in (for a consultation??). I sit anxiously watching the door. And in it walks. The bearer of ridiculous news. Doctor Dismal completely contradicts everything that has been said to me before. She tells me that I have one or two cysts. She tells me that I most likely do not have endo and that the likelihood that suregery will end my pain is 20%. I am baffled, I ask her why then am I there? If this is all so then why did the CT scan not find anything else???? Why have the other doctors told me the complete opposite? She answers by saying that she cannot speak for other doctors. She tells me that this could just be a "nerve misfiring" in my pelvis. Her suggestion....her plan of treatment...her prescription.....is for an antidepressant.
WTF??? That ladies and gentlmen is the state of American medicine . Give it an anti-depressant. I incredulously ask her why I would be prescribed an anti depressant. Her answer, "It is for the nerve in case it is misfiring. I figure it can't hurt, you may as well try that until I can get you in for surgery." The aforementioned surgery that has only a 20% likelihood of stopping my pain? I am aghast. Is this a joke? Is there a camera in there? This lady goes into her gyno's office for pain in her uterus and comes out with antidepressants...yukyukyuk. It totally sounds like a joke.
Well my answer to her and to all of them is to take their degrees and shove them up their various orfices. I have decided to take my body into my own hands (ewww) and be done with western medicine. I will use refelxology, accupuncture, macrobiotics, chiropractic, whatever it takes. I am not taking any more medicine. I am not going to put another thing in my body that has a list of side effects that is longer than the items is it useful for.

And I am going to start with a double dip chocolate brownie ice cream cone and maybe a bottle of merlot.