Graduation

My son graduated today.
When he was 9 his father and I divorced. My ex had been cheating on me for months and left me for another woman, while I was pregnant with my youngest son. I never told my oldest son why we were getting divorced, I did not think that a 9 year old needed those details. Maybe I should have. Maybe he would be able to understand his life better. Both of the kids lived with me for the first year or so after the divorce. The oldest was never happy, not just regular unhappy...sitting on top of me punching me while I slept unhappy. One night while I was tucking him in to bed he asked if he could go live with his dad. Not angry, not mean...just matter of factly. We talked about it and he did just that. He left for the summer visit to his dad's and never returned. Never.
Oh he came back physically, but was never really there. The visits were stressful, as he became a teenager attributed his sullen moods to him being a normal teenager. As he got into high school the visits became fewer and fewer. I would call and call and call and never get a call back. I would talk to his father and tell him to have my son call me, he rarely did. He took up cross country and track, he would not share the schedule ith me. I was a few hours away and would have done anything to see my son run. I still called at least 3 times a week, leaving message after message. I sent letters and cards. I finally bought him a cell phone with certain rules, one of which was that he needed to answer when I called.
Things were great for awhile. We would have long great phone conversations that consisted of more than grunts on his end. They were about hopes and dreams and memories and thoughts and everything and nothing. I got remarried and he and his brother gave me away and it was beautiful. He was sweet and loving, reminding me of my little boy that I had lost so many years ago.
And then it all fell apart. I don't even know what happened. He stopped talking to me, he stopped writing, he stopped everything.
Once a month or so I would get a grunting call again or an email. But I kept on. I would email and call and leave messages and send letters. Nothing.
He grunted the date of his graduation to me. So I bought a plane ticket and made all kinds of plans to be there for his graduation. I sent him an email to tell him my itinerary and then asked what his schedule was so I could see him. He frankly told me that he would be far too busy to see me. They were not really going to have a party and his class was only 12 people so it was no big deal. I persisted and said it was a big deal, I was proud of him. He again said there was not point for me to come. It was no big deal, I didn't need to be there. I gave in, I changed my plans.
I used my plane ticket and went to see my family. And while visiting them I saw my son's graduation announcement and invitation proudly displayed on his aunts bulletin board, his grandfather's fridge and grandmother's counter. His uncle told me that he too got an invitation to the graduation AND to the party following it. I, however, did not.
My son graduated today.
And I was not invited.
I was the one who taught him to read, I was the one who taught him his multiplication tables, I was the one who took him to his first day of school. I was the one that he did not want there on his last.
My heart is broken in so many ways, from today's hurt and from all of the yesterdays too. I love my son so much. I loved him enough to let him go when he was so unhappy. I loved him enough to let him go down a path I would not have chosen for him. I love him enough to take the blame for all that he thinks I did to cause a divorce nearly a decade ago. If only he could see how much I do love him. I guess on the day of his graduation I am the one still trying to learn.
My son graduated today.
And I was not invited.