Where is Ashton?

It started as any other day would...alarm, shower, dash off to work. But that is where it ends. The rest of my day was an episode of Punk'd. I am certain I will be showing upon MTV any day now!

I drink 20 ounces of Pepsi, so I have to pee. The bathroom at the office is a community bathroom shared by all of the businesses in the building. There are 2 stalls in a 15 x 15 room. It started innocently enough, I go in and 1 stall is in use so I go to the other. Just as I am sitting the stall door, another woman came in to wait for the next available stall. I am just sitting down on the porcelain goddess when the giant air bubble that had been fermenting in my stomach for the last 3 days decided to burst. Just as my bubble started to burst, the door opened again. At the volume of a jet engine, PPPPPFFFFFLLLLLRRRRTTTT!!!! Well, the asshole explosion that I just had was also accompanied by the smell of a dead, fermented rabbit. What do I do? I cannot possibly sit there in my own methane anal leakage....so I finish my pee and walk out the door. Giggling and being sure to not make eye contact I say excuse me (for soooo many things at that moment) and wash my hands and leave.

Oh it does not end there, I go back to my office and I-M one of my friends about my latest faux pas (or more appropriately, fart pas). She instantly sends me the link to You tube. I click on it, not realizing that my computer speakers are at rock concert level and hear instantly PPPPPPFFFFFLLLLLRRRRRTTTTT!!!!! I panic and laugh hysterically while clicking on the X to completely close out the internet connection. Ok, where is the camera?

Oh but does it stop there???? NOOOOOO, not for me. I had even had a conversation with a friend about how my day would continue to be a practical joke. I had to take the husband to the hospital for a check up...we joked about how I would trip someone, or trip myself.

At the hospital with my husband, I hand him a water bottle without looking and I hit him in the face. I was sure that would be it....haha...that is the end of my day. Ummmm, no.

We go back to get the check and my husband is having sutures removed. He and I are joking around in order to keep his mind off of the painful cleaning procedure that is going on. One of the doctors walks in to talk to the doctor working on my husband and mutters a few things and then says my name. Now, it is very obvious that I am there with my husband. I have a purpose. The doctor turns to me and says, "Are you here for the research project?" WHAT???? Why does this woman feel ok to randomly look at a person and ask if they are part of a research project? IS it because I have developed a pronounced eye twitch due to the recent stress, or because of the planet sized zit growing just under my nose, or the slightly green color I have achieved from watching the doctor remove layers of skin and scab from my husband's wounds? Or is it the combination of all of the above? But really...do you just blurt that kind of thing out????

I finally stop snorting with laughter and we are almost ready to leave the hospital. We go to make the follow up appointment for an MRI. The woman making the appointment sucks away at her Tootsie Pop and clicks away at the keys on her computer. She finally acknowledges us and begins the checklist of questions for MRI procedures..."do you have a pace maker? do you work with metal? do you have any brain implants?" Ok stop right there..What? Do you have any brain implants??? No, but we'd like to add one. I literally had to leave the room I was laughing and snorting at that one. C'mon where is the camera???

Ok it must be done. We go home. I turn on the tv to watch our favorite show, Cash Cab, and make dinner. I listen intently to the question ready to beat my husband to the answer. Question: What it the simple explosive device insurgents are using against Americans in Iraq? My husband blurts out the answer IUD's!!!!! Yes, lover the Iraqi women are hiking up their burkahs and flexing their vaginal floor muscles and shooting the soldiers with their Intrauterine Birth Control Devices!!!!
Ok let me summarize my Candid Camera Award winning day.....It was very much like the end of the new drug ads....
"Research projects have shown the side effects include anal methane gas leakage, intense embarrassment, stomach cramps due to laughter, brain implant malfunction and uncontrollable intrauterine device discharge. "